Or : 'How To Dismantle A Dual Rite Parish In (Possibly Under) A Week'.
Here are some handy tips for getting it done, all tried and tested under rigorous and varied parish conditions :
Reduce reverence. For example, at Benediction, cut down on candles (for we see very well), sing in English, it makes a heftier point.
Get rid of the schola by not having that sort of music any more.
Sell The Tablet.
Suddenly stop after the Domine non sum dignus, and announce that communion in the hand is OK, canon law says so, while holding the Body of Our Lord.
Harangue, or just shout at, your parishioners, but only at the EF Masses, because that'll be another way you can get those pesky traddies to leave. It's all right to admit to a parishioner that there were meetings with the Archbishop and Bishop to discuss the way forward for the parish, because the EF folks are so toxic and divisive.
Don't worry, you can deny anything later, because it's your word against a Trad, and we all know who will be believed, right?
You can shrink
a Sunday EF congregation averaging about 120 down to about 50 in a week (or your money back).
That's pretty impressive if you ask me, in a week. And it's useful not just for EF lovers,
not at all, no, let's not be divisive because anyone
orthodox can be eliminated using these handy tried and tested hints :
Using a pudding basin to burn incense
Getting out the pottery vessels
Making up your own liturgy
Putting a set of golf clubs on the altar
Never mentioning sin
Not using the proper words of absolution after the counselling session formerly known as Confession
Putting all the decent vestments in the attic (yes, there are still some around that aren't polyester-viscose blend)
Insist that no Latin will intrude on the NO Masses (but a quick kyrie is all right if it's done to the right sort of tune)
More extraordinary ministers in the Sanctuary than there are people in the congregation (seen it with my own eyes)
There are many other examples, and I am sure you can come up with some of your own. If you do, please share your ideas with us, don't be shy.
Remember, there is to be no celebration of liturgical diversity.
What are they so afraid of?