16 September 2014

'Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (turn and face the strain)'

Or : 'How To Dismantle A Dual Rite Parish In (Possibly Under) A Week'.

Here are some handy tips for getting it done, all tried and tested under rigorous and varied parish conditions :

Reduce reverence. For example, at Benediction, cut down on candles (for we see very well), sing in English, it makes a heftier point.

Get rid of the schola by not having that sort of music any more.

Sell The Tablet.

Suddenly stop after the Domine non sum dignus, and announce that communion in the hand is OK, canon law says so, while holding the Body of Our Lord.

Harangue, or just shout at, your parishioners, but only at the EF Masses, because that'll be another way you can get those pesky traddies to leave. It's all right to admit to a parishioner that there were meetings with the Archbishop and Bishop to discuss the way forward for the parish, because the EF folks are so toxic and divisive.

Don't worry, you can deny anything later, because it's your word against a Trad, and we all know who will be believed, right?

Result? You can shrink a Sunday EF congregation averaging about 120 down to about 50 in a week (or your money back).
That's pretty impressive if you ask me, in a week. And  it's useful not just for EF lovers, not at all, no, let's not be divisive because anyone orthodox can be eliminated using these handy tried and tested hints :


Using a pudding basin to burn incense
Getting out the pottery vessels
Making up your own liturgy
Telling jokes
Putting a set of golf clubs on the altar
Never mentioning sin
Not using the proper words of absolution after the counselling session formerly known as Confession
Putting all the decent vestments in the attic (yes, there are still some around that aren't polyester-viscose blend)
Insist that no Latin will intrude on the NO Masses (but a quick kyrie is all right if it's done to the right sort of tune)
More extraordinary ministers in the Sanctuary than there are people in the congregation (seen it with my own eyes)

There are many other examples, and I am sure you can come up with some of your own. If you do, please share your ideas with us, don't be shy.

Remember, there is to be no celebration of liturgical diversity.

What are they so afraid of?


A Catholic Comes Home said...

This is just awful.It is fear,fear,fear,and it comes from the top if you know what I mean.It is time for a pilgrimage of grace to save our Holy Faith.

Annie said...

Amen to that, Sandy.

A Fisher said...

Introduce EMHCs at every Mass, including the EF to signal intentions.

Encourage people to queue and stand, not kneel,

Tell the parish that it is very poor, thereby heaping the blame on the last incumbent who is unable to defend himself and claim that the unpaid for schola is unaffordable.

Tell non-resident parishioners they are not a priority - that will get rid of them,

Home-schooling fosters a nasty clique of hotbed traddies; signal your disapproval immediately. This can be done not only by admonishing any thriving local Catholic home-school group but also withdrawing and restricting their use of parish facilities. No-one wants to see children playing in your garden, they should be at school!

Get rid of the ghastly monstrance which only leads to idolatry.

Make your mark on the presbytery right from the first week. This includes major rennovations, such as installation of an extra bedroom and Sky TV. Hopefully they all dislike Pope Francis anyway so won't know how we're all supposed to be living more simply.

If they threaten complain to anyone, tell them it would be a mortal sin,

Anonymous said...

Ignore the guff from the CDF about the sign of peace. Get them all coming up to the altar to shake your hand. They'll soon be sufficiently loosened up so you can then encourage hand-holding at the Our Father,

Society of St. Bede said...

The home schooling group will be fine it will meet elsewhere. The good news is it will go from being a monthly group at Blackfen, to a weekly group at one parish, and a monthly group at another.

With an average of 50 children, and a projected growth that will take us to 100 within the academic year, expansion is the only way.

Edward said...

Tithe to the FSSP, not to your parish.